I hate divorce
Thanksgiving is next week. It officially kicks off the holiday season. This year my children will spend Thanksgiving with me and then Christmas with their father and his wife to be. I have never faced a holiday season with so much hope and yet so much dread. I especially hate divorce during the holiday season.
I am thankful for the gift of two wonderful children with a person who has been in my life my entire adult life. I am thankful that I can look at him and not wish all manner of evil upon him anymore. I am thankful that he is here in the states and can actively parent with me. I am thankful that my children have the love and support of both their parents even though our home is broken.
I am hopeful that his new wife will be another person in my children’s lives whowill love and support them. I am hopeful that everyone’s love for the person that ties us all together will be enough to overcome normal expectations of what our relationships with each other should be. I am hopeful that this next year will be better than the last three.
I dread having to wake up in my house alone on Christmas. I dread the possibility that the reality of my family’s new dynamics will be less than desirable.
Our family is not the first broken family in the world. People are living this reality everyday. It is not ideal and can be hard to adjust to, but it can be done successfully. I will deal with my new reality as gracefully and maturely as possible. After all, ’tis the season to be hopeful.
Learn more about Denise
Divorce can be extremely traumatic to families, especially children. My children’s picture book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad takes us through a myriad of emotions that two children, Stephen and Alex, experience through this tumultuous period. Young Alex especially gives an extremely candid and honest account of the day-to-day trauma, the hostility and at times the many poignant memories that he has. Living with Mom, Spending Time with Dad also addresses the concerns and anguish of being torn between two parents. Throughout the story there is that underlying hope that everything will turn out alright and everyone will be back in their original comfort zone.
It is what it is. Now live life while you can. Amazing how we love-do you want him back? then tell him before he marries this other person.
As a psychotherapist would works with fmailes experiencing divorce, I offer these thoughts on Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children.
Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forge your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do! Evelyn prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner for herself of her favorite foods. She set the table with linen and candles and put on music she liked. Then she enjoyed the day celebrating by herself. Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you. It can be a time of loss of traditions, but it also can signal liberation from those traditions, rituals, and obligations that no longer have meaning for you.
If you do decide to spend the holiday alone, some people may feel uncomfortable with your decision. Stand your ground. Know what is right for you. If you need to spend the day cleaning out the basement or making cookies, then do it! Pay attention to your own needs.
If you have your children for the holiday, you may want to discuss alternate plans with them. Some families go to the movies on Thanksgiving Day, eschewing the big turkey for a big bag of popcorn. You can make new choices to fit your life. Above all remember, every holiday is only twenty four hours. You can get through twenty four hours. Next year won’t carry the same weight as this year. You will be surprised when you look back on how far you have really come. You will be able to affirm that the journey was tough, but worth it!
One final word on Thanksgiving—whatever you decide to do, set aside a few minutes to express and feel your gratitude. You can do this in prayer, with your children, in a letter to yourself, or in volunteering. There are good things in your life. When you neglect to honor them, you give divorce too much power. Divorce is not your whole life, but rather something that happens in your life!
Adapted from Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce
© Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC 2005, 2009.
In all that has been said in responses to the column, there is truly thoughts that linger within ones mind of how do I get over this situation. To end a relationship can be blessing in many ways, for character building is something we will all encounter until we leave this earth. Simply put will you let the situation define you or will you utilize the spiritual growth that you have talk about in your column, keep you in perfect peace. I understand the hurt for I have gone and going through myself but I refuse to allow anyone or anybody steal my joy. He has moved on, incorporated a way of life that still involves his children and to have you well aware that you will be in the wings as long as you allow yourself to struggle on the next step to take in your life (does he really care?). As Donna wrote allow your gifts to define you in other areas that will cause you to breathe new and fresh air. Don’t be afraid of tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of its self. In realization you also as a must, by understanding that your children will be young adults leaving home and the more important thing is that they are watching you in your response to this matter that you should not allow it to tragically cause such a withdraw that you’re not even any good to yourself or in the case that you might be found by someone else. I truly think that your not ready to move on, but it is to your best interest that you move on in prayer and supplication. The Lord will provide. Be prayerful be wise, for life is too short to waste it waiting when you can be growing. This can jeopardize your Spiritual, Mental and Physical being I will be praying for you Sister Riley. God Bless You
Nov 24th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
[...] I hate divorce [...]
Dec 19th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
[...] I hate divorce [...]