Momma’s lost her moxie
Motherhood: Webster’s defines the word motherhood as 1 (a) : a female parent; (b) : a woman in authority; or (2) : an old or elderly woman . Well, of those three definitions, two out of three describe me. To combine them, I’m an old or elderly female parent.
Conceivably (no pun intenteded), motherhood has a period of time where the intensity is its greatest in the first 18 years. Yes, during those 18 years, it winds and turns around different roads, but at the very least, I’m supposed to be a “mother” to my kids until they are age 18. At my house, that gives me 10 more years.
Houston, we’ve got a problem.
The problem is: I’m 10 years into what would be a 20-year stint for most mothers, and I’m so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, that I haven’t been able to be who I need to be for at quite some time now. Bottom line: Momma’s lost her moxie.
Now, granted, my circumstances are abnormal at best. Six children all adopted from foster care, all with a host of special needs ranging from ADHD to bipolard disorder to autism to some sort of Parkinson’s disorder. Numerous secondary disorders, each of which comes with its own doctor’s visit, protocol to follow at home and range of medication and therapies. Multiple state agencies and their coordinators to address the child’s needs. Individualized education plans to help all the children overcome their learning disabilities and behavioral complications at school. Children who don’t sleep through the night and roam the house causing me to sleep with one eye open. Notes from school about who did what and what the consequences are. And the incessant sibling arguing. And, of course, who could forget the unplanned visits to the emergency room and the seemingly endless nights spent in the hospital sleeping near a child on a piece of furniture that was never meant to even resemble a bed.
So here I am, 10 years into my gig, and I’m completely worn out. My fatigue has grown to the point that I cry at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t make me believable when I start to say, “If you do that again . . .” and then all of a sudden, I burst into tears. The kids know they’ve “got” me. In fact, my kids, even the two 8 year olds, can define the word, “anxiety,” as in “Mom, are you having anxiety again!?!”
I’ve tried all sorts of remedies. Vitamins. Overeating. Under eating. Retail therapy. Sleeping. Energy drinks. Those fancy yogurt drinks. Nothing helps. Nothing rekindles my moxie. Nothing! The only thing I can say with some predictability is that I would not turn down 48 hours of sleep. And that it would take me 48 straight waking hours to catch up on everything I’m behind on.
So, here I am, 10 years into a job called “motherhood,” which by virtue of having children with special needs could conceivably last the rest of my life, and I’m knocked out. Down for the count. Conceivably, I have “bought the proverbial farm”.
And with the jolly holly-days just around the corner, I think I’m going to go to bed now. And pull the covers over my head. Will someone wake me in January?
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Bless you Stephanie! You are doing a wonderful work. I know that you also reap blessings as well. When you do get some rest, you can do so knowing that you are giving your children your all, more than their bio mothers ever could. There are special rewards in heaven for parents like you guys!
Renee Sharpe Daggerhart
AHS 1984
Give each of the kids age appropriate chores to do from now on. Not only does that help you but it’s good for them, they feel great about doing something to help out. Tell them if they do a good job and make a big deal if they do a great one. And where is your husband? His work day doesn’t end when he leaves the office when you have children at home. One thing I had to learn to do that was difficult for me – deligate! Even if the kids or hubby doesn’t do things exactly like I do…deligate and live with it. Set aside some time every day, even if it’s ten minutes, to spend alone. In your bedroom read or meditate, take a bath – lock your doors and let the family know that time is for you and you alone.
Is there anything that you could outsource? Do you have a grocery store that delivers? Delivery fees (including tip to driver) cost approx $10 – but that $10 might be worth it to save some sanity. Could you hire a teenager as a mother’s helper? They could entertain the children while you have some time for yourself – even if you are in the house while the mother’s helper is there, it might give you some time to rest, take a nap, get some stuff done that you’ve been putting off, etc. Any way you could hire somone to come in and clean the heavy stuff? Bathrooms, floors, etc.
Also, I agree with the other Christine’s suggestion to deligate – at what each child is able.
Best wishes to you. I admire you. As a mother of only one – this first year in my daughter’s life has been exhausting enough. With six children – I would suggest to find a way to leverage off some duties so that you can recharge. A recharged mom is definitely needed.
Both Christines, you are right. However, you are missing a very important point. From what I can tell, Ms. Trevitz likes to be put upon, likes to brag about how she has taken in six special needs kids , probably to hear people praise her for her many sacrifices. Oh, woe is her! (You notice she hardly mentions her husband, is it because he’s a slacker or because she likes to hog all the glory?)
Thank God those kids have her and her husband, but there are mothers all over America, from all walks of life, with few children and many children, women that work and raise their kids, women that raise special needs kids. Raising kids is tough for all of us. But to hear her tell it, she has the market cornered on “tough”. Ms. Trevitz, you have more resources than most people have to do what you need to do. Try being a mom with a special needs child and no resources, no insurance, no special services.
If your life is so bad, change it. Otherwise, quit whining and raise your children. You are not encouraging anyone with your pitiful moaning and groaning.
I do not agree with Michelle at all. It is every person’s right to have a moment of clarity, a moment to feel deflated. Holiday time is tough and really emotional for many. Michelle you have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes to understand what they endure on a daily basis. It is time we take the super powers away from what we think a mom should have and be real. Stephanie you are real. Just keep going. There are ups and downs in every person’s life. Realize your gifts and talents and let those speak the volumes of love and respect you give your family.
I completely understand. I’ve there right now myself. The problem I see is that even if you take time for yourself -you just come back to the same exact thing. 10 minutes is not enough, an afternoon is nice, a day or weekend would be better. How about the kids improving? That would be the best relief of all for us. It’s the fact that we see little to no change in the everyday dynamics that wear me out faster than anything. People used to describe me as strong – I felt like a fraud because I knew deep down that I wasn’t always strong, most times I really wanted someone to help me, but couldn’t ask because I was afraid of the response I’d get. Now, I really want help and everyone keeps telling me things aren’t that bad – phooey – live a day in my life and then face the fact that every blasted day is going to be just like that for years and years. I hate to tell you this, but it just may get much worse before it gets better.
That said, you are NOT whining – you are telling the truth about your situation. Shame on anyone who thinks otherwise.