Learning how to get away
Having spent the past 11 years as parents of a family that has grown to six adopted children with special needs, the need for my husband and me to get away has become more and more of a necessity. As I write this, we are in the airport ending our third “real” getaway during the 11 years we have had children — the first trip being at year seven, the second at year nine and the third coming this July 4 weekend.
From trips in the past, we have learned a few things about how to get away without major interruptions, so that we can be allowed the time we need to rest and reconnect. From each of the three getaways, we have garnered invaluable information that helps us plan the next trip to be better than the last. Eventually, we hope to get this whole thing right.
From our first getaway, we learned a lesson from James Brown, the Father of Soul. Four years ago, my husband and I took our first trip ever without the children, leaving behind only four children then who were in excellent care. Off on a cruise ship we went and within 24 hours of doing so, we were making plans to leave the cruise early, the Coast Guard had been called off of their attempts to locate us (seriously), and we were in the process of returning home for the funeral of a family member.
Lesson learned? If our presence is necessary for the funeral to be held, there is no one — except for our children — whose funeral cannot be delayed for a few days until our return. Call it what you want to, but if you have ever been on a cruise ship after having never spent the night away from all of your children, had to disembark in a foreign port, get a special clearance through customs, take a harrowing taxi ride to the local airport, scatter chickens as you drag your luggage inside and then board a foreign plane you are not sure will even fly, you will begin to think about the fact that the Father of Soul spent nearly two months before being laid to rest.
For trip number 2, we informed the person caring for our then six children that if someone died while we were gone, call the funeral home and tell them to put the body on ice. And don’t say anything in front of the children. If it’s good enough for James Brown for months, then it’s a perfectly fine procedure for someone in our non-famous family for a few days.
On our second getaway, we left six children with a fantastic caregiver and had some well laid plans, or so we thought. We told no one we were leaving so that our caregiver could filter all the calls and attempt to ”find” us (e.g. contact the Coast Guard) only if necessary, and we decided to take an extended trip to make up for the previous one cut short. The caregiver also was left with instructions resulting from our previous trip to “ice down any body except those of the children.” Off we went on an eight day, seven night cruise.
Lesson learned? You can’t make up for lost time. Eight days sounds fabulous, but we ended up grieving over leaving the children, worrying about how they were doing (they were just fine), and we wound up being miserable during the trip.
Here as our third time away is ending, we got many things right. First, we took an extended weekend (four days and four nights) and left the children, again, in excellent hands. We had the “ice ’em down” procedure in place, and we left word with only those needing to know that we were leaving town. We flew to a destination with way more to do than we could pack in in four days and too far away to easily drive home (avoiding the possibility of acting on our own grief and driving home). We communicated with the kids via pictures sent by cell phone, and the pictures were all happy for the most part.
Lesson learned? Sleep should be considered a vital luxury and an activity planned for the trip. (A corollary: We shouldn’t feel guilty about not doing all the trip could offer because we choose to sleep for a good part of it.) My husband and I have no idea of the level of our fatigue until we have no one to care for but ourselves. Raising two children with autism who have rarely slept through the night, even at ages 9 and 11, we both tend to sleep with one eye open. Therefore, we ended up sleeping more than we thought we should until we decided that it really was something we needed.
Next trip? Likely not going to happen for two more years, but we have learned some things. The last thing being: “Pack more pajamas.”
A P.S. to this article written after our return: In only four days of being gone, our children survived with only three holes kicked in the walls, one two-hour long temper tantrum and other behavioral issues, which would normally require parental intervention. A family member passed out and was taken to the ER by ambulance and had to return to the ER again several days later — all serious issues but nothing that could not be handled without our presence!
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